Though our trials can be very physical in nature, it’s often taught that we fight spiritual warfare in the mind. We have to exercise control over our inner being so that our outer person can make the right decisions. We must practice renewing our mind, protecting our heart, and taming the desires of our flesh. This is all done in the “mind,” that part of us that exists separate, eh, from the body.
When hard times come, we really have to secure our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. The spiritual fighting ground in our minds prepares our speech, actions, and relationships. Whatever is in inside will be revealed outwardly.
I can be a bit Stoic at times, so, I love this idea. I love the fact that we can mentally train ourselves through prayer, meditation, reading the Word. I love even more that these habits can make us stronger in other aspects of our life, such as fitness or creativity. Brains over bronze! Mind over matter!
That’s as much as I can get out right now because fortunate for you, this will be no lecture. The battle of my mind is like none ever before. I must vent… Pregnancy brain, mommy brain, whatever this jello inside my skull is doing, has confused me to no avail.
I’ve got one more month left of pregnancy and I feel like I am losing control of my mind. I feel like a crazy pregnant lady, who is literally losing her marbles. My thinking is becoming so jumbled, it’s freaking me out! First, I am worried… Worried about the lack of preparation, that nothing will be good enough for Miss Baby, that I won’t be able to establish a routine, that I am going to forget all of her appointments. The list goes on.
All throughout pregnancy, people have looked at me crazy for choosing to have an all-natural home birth. Every one has made sure to tell me about how much pain and trauma they went through during their births. Not to mention all the horror stories about near death complications… All of those visuals were amazing, wonderful, spectacular. Thank you! Do you know how much brain control it took me to rebuke every scary thought as it was projected onto me?
Early on, I could lay out all my reasons for the choices I am making regarding birth and newborn care. I could shut these people down. Not anymore. I am finding how poor my new conceptualization skills are. I cannot even speak proper English. Seriously, the other day I was looking for the word “son” and all that I could get out was “boy child.”
I clearly have a hard time verbally explaining my thoughts. I have a hard time just organizing them for myself. That is what is scary for me. How can I be prepared for a baby if I cannot even think?
When I tone the thinking [about the thinking] down, I have begun to realize how much my emotions are changing. I am becoming less the thinker, and more the feeler. I’ve got to accept this adjustment. There must be some quality to instinct and intuition. I sure hope so because that’s all I can rely on right now.
Honestly, I am not worried about the pain of birth. I am holding onto faith, faith that God designed my body to do this thing and to do it right. The challenge for me has been that I cannot control my mind. That I am unsure about whether I am doing things right. And if I am sure, how do I know that I could even trust this jelly brain?
SURRENDER. Ooh! That’s a good word, I didn’t even have to find it myself. God just gave it to me. The battle of my mind is based in my inability to surrender.
We can get so worked up in perfecting the logistics of life, even our neurocircuitry, we forget that we are actually not in charge of anything. God’s plan will come to fruition no matter what we think we have power over. God is going to give me a healthy baby whether my screws are too loose or not.
I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to exercise mental dominion that I have not been letting my new emotions float around and escape through me. When I reread my prayer journal, I see that I am asking for compassion and empathy. Ironic, right? I am not asking for logic. What I have been missing in this fight is that I am thinking less through my prayers. I am actually crying through them. (Oh, being a crier is not fun). God wants me to FEEL Him. To FEEL the miracle of motherhood and birth. To FEEL my new baby.
She won’t be able to talk me into what she needs or wants. But she will be experiencing goods and bads, and she will let me know through her feelings. So, I must release my hold over my thoughts right now. The Stoic must take a rest, Momma Bear is coming out and it’s okay to be a little jumbly. God has given us another intelligence system! And He brings it into action when He’s ready for it to be used.
Miss Baby is soon to be out in the world.
It took me a written vent session to realize this, but now I FEEL so much better. Why did I even believe it was about what I think?
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!“
He won’t let me forget her, and He won’t forget me. He won’t forget us. ♥