In case you haven’t noticed by now, I tend to be stuck in the past at times. It’s difficult accepting failure. Right?
Falling down doesn’t feel good. Some times it’s a soft fall that you can laugh about, I actually enjoy those. But those falls that feel like miles down a rocky mountainside? Those leave us with wounds that take months and even years to heal, sprains that need time to fix.
I’m going to open up here and share that I’ve been really regretful about a lot of turns I made and paths I took. Although I tell my friends to let go and let God, I have not been able to let go of my past. Preaching it is easier than living it.
Sometimes I dwell on my own error. And I punish myself for it. I’m sure you can relate. Replaying those moments where you did wrong, then re-living all the consequences of your mistakes. I tend to be a lot more forgiving towards others than myself. In my frustration, I beg God to forgive me for my foolishness and I plead for Him to remove my feelings of worthlessness.
While talking to God is a great thing, repeatedly asking Him to forgive the same sin means I don’t believe in His forgiveness. This is an area of faith I battle. Am I really blessed as a child of God because of my past?
1 John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Focusing on the life I could have had makes the life I’m living seem less valuable. That’s another feature of a wavering faith. Do I not believe that God is working in my life because I don’t have what I once had?
“ being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
My concentration is on loss and failure. We can be oriented that way, looking at the glass as half empty. What we know we need to do is set our eyes on God, on what is good, and what is hopeful. Doing that will take you away from the past and into the future of God’s will. That is a whole lot better, in my opinion.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
As I was listing out my failures and missed blessings for the eleventh hundredth time, God said to me, “do you want to be a slave again?”
Harsh words because I don’t always listen to the soft ones. 😊
I made those mistakes as a sinner, an unbeliever. An unbeliever seeking fleshy rewards. In that word from God, I realized that I was lamenting the loss of worldly goods. In my own unforgiveness, I was desiring the world! My old life, the life of an unbeliever.
Why was I counting my shortcomings and ignoring my blessings?
The lesson here is that the trail of regret and pessimism takes us far from the peace of God. There is glory in being saved. And there is abundance in counting blessings–there is abundance where there is gratitude for God’s hand. Since God has picked me up, I’ve experienced many other victories.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Victories I did not celebrate in face of my regret. You know, my failures were actually the start of my victory. They dragged me down to rock bottom and in that darkness, in that failure, is where I was humbled. That’s where I finally admitted that I needed God.
It took a great failure for me to realize the greatness of God and the smallness of me. So why did God ask if I wanted to be a slave again?
Because I could have all those things on the top of worldly hill, be prideful and materialistic, but I would not have God.
So I hope to finally let go. I’ve confessed to God and now to the Internet. Now the challenge is to find joy in every victory God shares with me. To see my blessing before my lack. To forgive myself. To BELIEVE in God’s faithfulness towards me. He fulfills His promises, the promises of His Word.
Who the son sets free, is free indeed.
2 Corinthians 9:8
“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”