I’m a single mom and I never wanted to be. Except when I wanted to be, but I’ll explain that later on.
When I was 12 years old I had a vision that I was going to be a single mom. It came in the form of a spontaneous “daydream.” Although I would try to shake it off as my overactive imagination, the vision had a serious undertone to it that unsettled my emotions. It still carries the same effect today. Most of my daydreams as a child were, of course, exciting and playful but this one wasn’t. It was a vision.
For the next decade, I would often think about what I wanted in my future family. Whenever I dated someone, I would consider them as my future husband and future father of my children. Each time I did this, the vision would come back to me. It would haunt me and tell me that I would end up getting a divorce with this person because I was supposed to be a single mom. The haunting was a mixture of prophecy laced with a fear and insecurity about never being good enough for a man. (Abandonment issues are real, save the daddy jokes.)
In attempt to shut out the insecurities, I would usually change the thought from “I’m not good enough” to “he’s not good enough.” And that’s how I became a heartbreaker (here, I joke). No, but really, I would turn to hurting people because I was hurt. To be honest, I’ve slighted some good men. Good men who would hold me accountable when I did things the wrong way. Good men who respected me and the woman I was trying to be. Good men who were willing to wait.
In my own prideful ignorance, I denied the help God was trying to give me in the form of good men. I actually denied the help God was trying to give me in the form of a lot of things like church community, mentors and job opportunities. I often retreated to my own faulty and injured perspective of the world. Back to my own desires, my own strength and my own wisdom, which wasn’t very wise at all.
I denied so much that my world became just me. Until I met somebody who genuinely wasn’t good enough for me this time. Somebody who didn’t respect me, somebody who never wanted to help me, somebody who wasn’t willing to wait. I chose what was bad for me by way of rejecting good things.
Here, I accepted what I had been trying to avoid all along because I never properly dealt with my hurt. Everything I thought I was escaping by hurting other people would turn to hurt me in the end. That’s how the devil works, he deceives you into a place of independence and he bites you in the butt. Now, I’m pregnant!?
After a short attempt to work it out, I quickly realized that being in a relationship built on lies is not what God wanted for me. It’s definitely not the example I should set for my child. So, yes, I chose to be single no matter how bad I wanted a family. And I know, being a single parent is not ideal either–that’s why I’m praying for marriage.
Though hurt and generational curse is found in my story, what’s important is how I applied free will. God never had a leash on me. By my own free will, I drifted far from My Lord.
He knew how far I would go that’s why He gave me the vision a long time ago. Clearly, I struggle with reading warning signs.
God also allowed me to go as far as I needed to before realizing I needed Him. It all worked out because in that desert I experienced God’s Grace. The Grace I was too blind to recognize before. God’s Grace is abounding, as humans it’s hard for us to understand that. To understand that, I had to experience the hurt I wouldn’t digest, I had to sacrifice my expectations of a family, and I had to ask God and people for a lot of help. I had to accept Jesus’s Love for me, so I could share that Love with my daughter.
Even if our stories are tainted with some ugly, we can always find hope in the Lord. God will use the consequences of our sin for His higher good, like the way that my blessing of a child has encouraged me to maintain faith. Or the way that I can now give my hurts to God. Or how I’ve been able to provide for my baby because of my friends’ and family’s support.
Yea, I might be single but I’m not alone.
“…But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”